Mr Double's Palisades

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    November 27th - December 03rd mid-Morning Updates



      Tennessee Stud



      On Friday PM, December 03, 1999



    • by tony-n-friends :...
    • All That Jazzy, part 1
      alljazz1 zip (7k) (M/f incest)
      He took another long draw on his joint. He could feel the stinging in his eyes as the smoke curled up into his face. One seed snapped, and then another. Where the fuck was that bitch? With the joint hanging from his lips, he sat forward and buried his head in his hands.
        
    • by SluggoDlux :...
    • Julie, part 3
      julie3 zip (23k) (M/F)
      It was Saturday and I knew I had to go into work today. I didn't want to, but there was too much to do and too little time. I sat at my desk and began to block out a schedule for the Signature product. I stopped when I heard keys jangling and went out to the front door. Julie was just locking the door behind her.      "Hi Julie," I said, "Putting in some OT?"     She jumped and turned around. Her face white as a sheet.
        
    • by Curious Cat :...
    • Lonely Beach Child, part 5
      lonely5 zip (9k) (M/f, M/F/f, oral)
      Andrew Lightly liked one small stretch of beach, nestled between solid Santa Monica and toney Malibu. So did Billianne Williams, a pint-sized lolita barely 8 years old. The collision, when it came that April day, was cataclysmic for both of them. A small blonde Cinderella and her 40 year old charming prince.
        
    • by lolitot :...
    • More Than A mouthfull, part 10
      mouthf10 zip (6k) (g/g/g/g/g/b/F/F/M/M/M/M)
      'Nother little 'quickie' for ya! Stuff dreams'r made of ..., sorta!
        
    • by Artsy Craftsy Kid :...
    • Southern Women
      southern zip (38k) (MFFf)
      Bill the retiree attends another funeral of a disappearing species and finds a grandmother, daughter and granddaughter trio that he can help, if they don't send him to the grave first.
        
    • by Maithuna :...
    • Tantra with Mother, part 1
      tantra1 zip (4k) (M/F, mom/son, inc, tantra)
      A Son's interests in Tantra leads to a different version of religious practise with his mother.
        
    • by BruiseWillies :...New Author.!.!.!
    • The Little Chinese Cherub
      thelitt1 zip (5k) (yng boy,extreme,feet fetish)
      Auntie Emma was a kind woman, "saving" little orphans from the streets.But little did 4 year old Jerry know what was in store for him as the little Chinese immigrant was accepted into Augustine's Sexy Boys service.................
        
    • by ACTJC :...
    • The Contest, part 1
      contest1 zip (7k) (MM/f+, pedo)
      Andrew Simpson and Paul Richards has been teaching at Washington Elementary School for the last 10 years. Despite the schools poor reputation (kids from broken homes, high crime rate neighborhood, high unemployment) and the obvious talents of the two teachers, they had never thought to move on. Simply because of the yearly ritual known as "The Contest".
        
    • by Rex Wilder :...
    • Fidde, part 2: en kt liten vovve
      fidde2 zip (9k) (F/f/oral,beast)
      De lsgjorde sig frn varandra. Lisa reste sig och la sig p rygg. Eva hll handen fr fittan s inga kukspyer skulle rinna ut. S stllde hon sig med knna p mse sidor om Lisas huvud. Hon snkte sig ned och tog bort handen precis innan fittan ndde munnen. Lisa stack upp tungan i Evas fitta och riktigt grvde fram sperman. Ja man kan ltt pst att tungan fungerade som en grvskopa.
      sweden
        
    • by Sergdriver :...
    • yenooa zip (13k) (translation by Sergdriver) (Mm/ff, pedo, rape)
      . . , . . , , . , . - .
      russian
        
        

      Thursday PM, December 02, 1999

        
    • by Bach :...
    • Denim Writing
      denim zip (12k) (M/f)
      Bored in class, 12 year old Denise starts writing on her jeans. Others join in turning her into a walking piece of graffiti.
        
    • by Amber Gold :...
    • Katie Seduces Daddy
      katiedad zip (17k) (M/f inc/teen/dad/daut)
      She lifted the sheet and scooted into the bed behind him. She moved over to him and placed her 15 year old naked body up against his back. Her breasts were pressing tight into him and she curved her hips so she fit like a spoon along the back of his body. She took her hand and reached over his body and moved it down to his cock. She took it in her hand and felt juices ooze out of her pussy as she was so aroused by the feel of his skin on hers. She held his cock and closed her eyes not believing what she was doing. She was going to seduce her father......
        
    • by Lenicka :...
    • Moje ti eny
      moje3 zip (15k) (M/F M/FFF inc)
      "Vid jak se mi lb," zasmla se znova. "I bradavky se mi postavily." A s tmi slovy vzala do druh ruky jedno svoje prso a pistrila ho ke mn. "Vid jak stoj ? To znamen, e jsem vzruen."
        
      Rodinn orgie
      rodinna zip (4k) (MM/FF inc)
      "J jsem vm kal, e mte veselou dceru. Ta opravdu nezn dn tabu. S vlastnm bratrem!" usmval se David a obrtil se na matku: Kdy vidm, e moje ptelkyn je obsazen, budeme si muset stait my spolu."
        
      Souzenci sami doma
      souzenci zip (15k) (M/F inc)
      Te, u napl v tranzu, rozevela sestra sv stehna, kdy naped pokrila kolena, jak nejvc to lo a pak je dala od sebe. Vnitn jsem zaplesal, kdy jsem uvidl tu krsu. Jej dirka byla skuten ndhern. Vyholen, hladk, rov.
      czech
        
        

      Wednesday PM, December 01, 1999

        
    • by LisaD :...New Author.!.!.!
    • Frustrated Wife, part 1
      frustra1 zip (8k) (M/f/interracial)
      I lay in bed until I heard my husband's car leaving, feeling my tummy churning with a familiar knawing hunger that had been awakened by Jim's earlier attack.      It had been weeks since we had sex and I had awakened with him curled up behind me wiith his stiff five inch cock pressing between my firm fleshy cheeks.
        
      Frustrated Wife, part 2
      frustra2 zip (7k) (M/f/inter/forced anal)
      A strange voice answered the phone and took me by surprise. I had been expecting to hear Leo. "Drewtown" the deep voice boomed. My words squeaked out as I spoke. "I'd like to speak to Leo please." I heard the voice call Leo and waited. After a brief pause Leo's voice came over the phone. I wasn't as prepared to speak to him as I had thought and searched for words. "Leo, this is Lisa. Uh, I called to see if you were going to be working anywhere near here this afternoon and would stop by."
        
    • by tony-n-friends :...New Author.!.!.!
    • Stuart Loves Little
      lovelil1 zip (17k) (M/f)
      Heather walked into the bedroom of the ship. She could feel the boat swaying gently under her feet. She put down her travel bag quietly and looked over to where Debi was. Debi was staring intently out the cabin window, her body straight showing intense disapproval at what she was seeing.
        
      Robin Tells a Story
      robin zip (2k) (M/f)
      i could hear my mom yelling at ron. they were fignting loud and he hit her. she was saying nonono but he wanted something. i went to peek and i could see him doing something to my mom and then she went to sleep. ron put her on the sofa and then started to come up to where i was.     he came into my room and i was under the covers. he was sitting on the side of my bed and he was touching my hair. he said he knew a man who needed to pretend he had a little girl. he said the man would be nice to me, he said my mom would be happy and we woiuld move to a bigger aparment because he would give Ron so much money.
        
    • by Crazyfukr :...New Author.!.!.!
    • Making My Daughter Mine
      mydaut1 zip (6k) (M/F/f/ff/beast/Mf)
      A single father struggling to raise 3 children. The children are 2 girls and a boy. With the father having a new relationship. The father finds out that his daughter is messing around and decides to turn her into HIS total SLUT.
        
    • by Allene Blake :...
    • The Inlaws
      inlaws zip (44k) (S/M, humiliation/incest/pedo/ enforced nudity)
      I was really glad when I was invited to join the cheerleading team. It seemed to justify all those hours of aerobics to lose my baby fat and end up with my 36D,23,35 body.     Up until then I didn't get much respect since I was not too bright getting a lot of D's and like I said on the chubby side. I hated to be called on in class because I never knew the answer and was embarrassed by the snickers at my dumb answers.     That all changed when I became a cheerleader especially since the school had finally gotten up to the nineties and let us wear costumes like the professional cheerleaders. The halter and low riding short skirt let us show off our flat tummies and cute bellybuttons.
        
    • by SluggoDlux :...
    • Julie, parts 1 - 2
      julie1_2 zip (14k) (M/F)
      I ran into Julie's office to drop off the time sheets. I knew they were late and that she needed them to make her monthly payroll. She was at her desk waiting for them, tapping her pencil on the desk impatiently. She had been bugging me all morning to get them into her. As I set them on the front of her desk and started to head back to my office, I did a double take. Julie was usually very prim and proper and quite married. She usually dressed in semi-conservatory manner, but her legs and body were so fine that whatever she wore made her look great. I couldn't help but notice that the top two buttons of her blouse were undone.
        
    • by Silk :...
    • School Uniform Club - Betty, part 2
      school4 zip (6k) (M/f M/f/f)
      Bet you've been wondering what happened when Betty visited Mr Owen in the library. Remember Betty was all done up like Bettie Page, the old 50's model ? Well Miss Adams said she couldn't wander round school just dressed in a short slip, hose, suspenders and a bra. Even though she looked very sexy. That caused Betty to blush.
        
    • by Geoffroy Perrault :...
    • Le Collectionneur
      collect zip (10k) (M/ffff, pedo, panties)
      Monsieur Pantelin collectionne les culottes de petites filles. C'est, vous l'avourez, plus original que les timbres ou que les boites d'allumettes...
      french
        
        

      Tuesday PM, November 30, 1999

        
    • by nymphet :...New Author.!.!.!
    • Young Passions Blooming, ch 1
      young1 zip (6k) (teen masturbation)
      Jamie's eye was quickly attracted to the slim blonde girl. Her bra and panties were white with little red flowers but the water had virtually made them clear. Her nipples were dark against the material of her bra and stuck out with the light breeze blowing in. Her tits were not yet fully developed but were well on the way. Her panties clung to the crack of her ass and pussy. He immediately felt his dick twitch and stiffen. The thirteen year old girl's long blonde hair was soaking wet and stuck to her shoulder.
        
    • by LuckyStar :...
    • Alison, part 1
      alison1 zip (6k) (M/f inc)
      Alsion had a plan to bring her dad out of his depression. And it sleeping with him was step one.
        
    • by lolitot :...
    • Bukkake Day Care, part 2
      bukkake2 zip (10k) (g/g/g/f/M/M/M/M/M+)
      Gulpgulp. I sure hope ya got some left for these three hungry little girls! You didn't think that's all there was, now did'ja ...? (gigglegiggle!!)
        
    • by timmy :...
    • Eliz, part 3
      eliz3 zip (4k) (g/g inc)
      Elizabeth goes to bed, trying to forget the shameful events of the day, but more await her.
        
    • by Nomad :...
    • Loan Shark
      loanshar zip (10k) (MFF/ff pedo first)
      Hi Sheila. Your dues please," I asked, opening my little black book to check on the amount. "Three weeks overdue now. So that makes it ninety pounds." I told her. She licked her lips, and pushed her little five year old girl away as the child pulled at her flowing skirt.     "Look, could you wait just another week perhaps?" She asked, her Irish brogue coming through as she got nervous.
        
      The Arts
      thearts zip (7k) (MF/f)
      The trouble with little girls is; they change so much when growing up.      Take my daughter Lisa and I for example....
        
    • by SluggoDlux :...
    • M&Ms
      mandms zip (15k) (M/f incest)
      I knocked on the door and Marla greeted me in a most usual manner. She threw her arms around me and gave me a big kiss on the lips. I was surprised, but when I felt her breasts crushing into my chest I responded in kind. No tongues, but I felt her tongue slide across my lower lip as my lips left hers. "Philly-poo, how are you? It's so good of you to come on over," she said rather breathlessly, still pressing her ample breasts against my chest and holding me tight against her.     "Whew!" I answered, "I'll do better after my heart stops racing. That was some greeting. How have you been?"    "Just OK," she answered, "Larry and I aren't getting along too well and I think he's been bonking his ex-wife."
        
        

      Monday PM, November 29, 1999

        
    • by PedoPee :...New Author.!.!.!
    • Carla's Dirty Mother
      carla zip (10k) (M/F/f mum/daut inc w/s scat non-cons)
      While fucking my new, very randy girlfriend, she gets off on sucking her 13 year old daughter Carla's used knickers. I introduce her to watersports and suggest involving Carla in our sex sessions. She agrees and Carla needs some persuading but is soon fucking, pissing and shitting.
        
    • by Curious Cat :...
    • Cum Here, Baby Girl, part 4
      cumhere4 zip (7k) (M/F/g/b, (very yng), pregnant, anal, oral, nc)
      Barely fifteen and pregnant with my second child, Dennis and I were married. He and his twin, Denise, taught me and my darling daughter, 3-year-old Jenny how to perform at the monthly pedo parties. With her little bare mound, our beautiful baby was an immediate hit with her daddy eating her out.
        
    • by Nomad :...
    • Escape
      escape zip (14k) (M/fffb Fath/daugh)
      I licked my lips and shyly moved my hand under the covers from my side onto his belly. I tingled as I felt his hard and flat stomach through the thin shirt he wore. Excitedly I slowly moved my hand downwards, over the belt buckle and onto his trousers. I could feel it then, through the fabric; soft and pliable, a warm sausage of flesh that began to grow and stiffen for me. Daddy groaned softly and his eyes flickered "What a lovely way to wake up," he murmured.
        
      The Plaything
      playthin zip (5k) (M/f - short story)
      Allison was eleven and at a difficult age. She was maturing in so many different ways, yet she could be such a little child at times. I went over to her and patted her leg, smiling at her while I felt the smoothness of her thigh just above her knee.    "Now, you know you have to have a bath every day," I told her.
        
    • by Rathan :...
    • Love between mother and son
      lovemom zip (4k) (m/F aunt/mother/son inc, impreg)
      When I came back from Canada I found both my mother and Aunt waiting for me in the Airport. Both looked very radiant and it was very late in the night when I landed. I was surprised by seeing two people I was missing for so many days. When I smiled at them both looked very coy and bent their heads refusing to meet my eyes. Then Subbu Aunty looked up and said we are having an addition in our family. I saw Mother turn away and color pink with shyness. I went to Aunt and hugged her and she held me and whispered that she is pregnant. 10 weeks now.
        
        

      Sunday PM, November 28, 1999

        
    • by Babu :...
    • Babu's first anal with his Mother
      1stanal zip (6k) (F/m incest)
      The next morning when I woke up in my Mother's bed, I noticed that Mother had already got up and left the room. I looked at the wall clock and saw it was 8 am. Then only I realised that it was Sunday and there is no school for me and also for Mother who was a teacher. Immediately my mind got filled up with the cock-raising fact that we have a full day ahead for fucking. I felt that I am really lucky that the very next day of me fucking my Mother Anandam turned out to be holiday that I can explore different ways of fucking my own Mother in broad day light. When I used to fantasise about my Mother before, I used to think of different perverted poses to fuck my Mother if I ever did get a chance. When all those thoughts flashed in my mind, my cock raised its head. I was lying nude in Mother's bed. We hadn't bothered to dress after we fucked and we had fallen asleep hugging each other tight.
        
    • by lolitot :...
    • Bukkake Day Care
      bukkake zip (11k) (g/g/g/f/MMMMM+)
      Gulp. The title sorta says it all ...! (gigglegiggle!!) Gee ..., I hope Burt can hold off, 'til the end! This one'll sorta finish ya off, for the long holiday weekend, you know?
        
    • by Typoman :...
    • Dairyman's Daughter, ch 6-7: Colleen's Coercion
      dairy6_7 zip (17k) (m/f/f, mast, oral, cons, coerc)
      I had done a lot of thinking about what to do for Colleen. At the tender age of 14 I was already a master back scratcher and an amateur pussy licker. But a Psychiatrist, NO WAY! I was fairly certain that my idea about getting rid of Colleen's panties would do her no harm. I had hopes that destroying those reminders of her ordeal would help her immensely.
        
    • by LuckyStar :...
    • Fred's story
      fredstor zip (3k) (son/mom inc)
      Although it was Lisa that got him hard it was his mom that took care of him.
        
    • by Candrah :...
    • My Drunk Son
      mydrunk zip (11k) (F/M mom/son)
      Momma gets really depraved and lusty from helping out her drunk big son...
        
    • by Young Fox :...
    • Railway Man
      railway zip (20k) (Mg, Time Travel)
      "Come on little girl lets go down to Guildens," the Railway man said.      Guildens offered huge toast that was baked standing up between two flatirons not in a little electric box or on a stove. Railway man ran his hand over the girl's criminally perfect ass. At first glance he figured she was about eight or nine. He sat watching her as she stuffed her fat cheeks with big slabs of warm bread slithered in butter and jams. In between mouthfuls she scooped up grapes and raspberries and slices of hard salami. A kindly old fellow in a greasy smock set down a frozen stein full of root beer. She drank thirstily. He loved to see her eat, fatten herself. Such as hungry little girl, so thin!
        
    • by Rick Roll :...
    • Tiffany - 1
      tiffany1 zip (6k) (F/M - mast/hand job/sex/cons)
      An attractive girl, Tiffany used her body to her advantage. When she finds herself out on the street, she takes a job at a massage parlor. A true story of her audition for the job, with many more stories to follow.
        
        

      Saturday PM, November 27, 1999

        
    • by Leppard :...
    • Leppard's Thanksgiving
      doublethx zip (2k) (poem)
      Indeed it is thanks I am giving,     for the wonderful porn filled life I'm living.     I have my stories, and other's too,     enjoyed by millions, folks just like you.     I read and write and read some more,     from teen catfights to pre-teen whores.     I love how each and every day,      I get to read what others say.     I log on, and scan the pages,     tales of sex at varying ages.    
        
    • by Nomad :...
    • The German SS
      germanSS zip (20k) (MMfffb Fath/daugh Incest)
      An unfinished story about the life of a German archeologist that I just can't seem to be able to continue. This one's too long to throw away. Let me know what you think.
        
    • by timmy :...
    • Elizabeth, ch 2
      lizbeth2 zip (4k) (bbg/g incest, humiliation)
      Elizabeth becomes her cousins' toy and discovers some of the pleasures that come with pain and humiliation.
        
    • by BP :...
    • Moving in with Cousin Ann
      movingin zip (18k) (Beast, impreg, toys, F/F, inject, etc)
      Dad went to hell in a hurry after her got laid off. He would come home drunk and make life hell for my mother and me. Why mom let him, do those things to her, I will never know. Coming home from school one day I was shocked to see police cars with their lights on in front of our house. Dad had hit mom one time too many then killed himself. I guess I should have been very upset at losing my parents but life with them had turned into hell, so it was a relief. After I finished talking to the police, I called my cousin, Ann.     Ann insisted that I come to live with her. That was fine with me because we had become close when she babysat me. Well, that was how I came to move in with my cousin. That is when my life changed and things become interesting for the reader.
        
    • by Spiral :...
    • My Life
      mylife zip (19k) (b/s inc ped)
      Sometimes when your young you're able to discover certain things about yourself. I was one of the lucky few who knew who I was, and so did my kid sister. This is how we fell in love.
        
    • by Amber Gold :...
    • A Naughty Little Girl
      naughty zip (18k) (MMM/fm dad/daut/bro/sis/inc/teen)
      Laura woke up when she felt her father slip into bed next to her. His hands went to her 15 year old naked body and began to move up and down, touching her everywhere. He didn't say a word but caressed her ample breasts, one then the other. He leaned down and licked at one, then sucked the nipple into his mouth. A hand moved across her tummy and down to her tightly curled black pussy and his fingers parted the lips and dipped into her slit. He gently moved his fingers up and down then into her opening.
        
      The Rainbow Rapist
      rainbow zip (13k) (Mfffffff teen/pedo/rape)
      The rapist was watching a video of the girls shower room at the school where he worked. He had a few hidden cameras in the shower room and at night, alone in his room, he would play the tape and stroke his cock. He picked one girl that he wanted as his first victim. She had long red hair and green eyes. She was 16 and had big boobs. Really big ones probably a size D cup. He couldn't wait to get his mouth on those beauties. As he stroked he watched the girls running the soap over their bodies and chattering away with the gossip of the school.
        
    • by Keyman :...
    • Little Miss Nympho, ch 2
      nympho2 zip (9k) (M/f dad/daughter inc)
      Eleven-year-old Cindy Jobe had been seduced by her pedophile neighbor, George Jefferson. The middle-aged recluse had used his computer expertise to entice the girl into his home and then had used the pictures in preteen newsgroups to awaken her sexual curiosity. Cindy had embraced her newfound sexuality and now was plotting to seduce her own father.
        
    • by Artsy Craftsy Kid :...
    • Negotiations
      negotiat zip (36k) (M/FF,m/fff)
      Bill the businessman is getting dollars mixed up with his dick. Will he survive the merger with the submissive slut mother, widow of his archrival and her kids?
        
    • by Tom Singleton :...
    • Smoker, ch 1-3
      smoke1_3 zip (28k) (M/F, M/F, M/F cons)
      A hard-boiled detective takes on the most challenging case of his career.     "He made me kiss it several times," she said, planting tiny kisses on my darkening, plum-colored knob. "Then he made me lick the head of it very slowly. Like this," she said, running her clever tongue in swirling circles on my cockhead. "Like a great, big, gorgeous, velvety, warm black raspberry ice-cream cone, oh my," she cooed, flicking the head with languid lavings of her velvety quick tongue and looking up innocently as she grasped the shaft in both hands like a softball bat.
        
    • by Max Free :...
    • Teaching Incest, part 2
      teach2a zip (12k) (MF/g)
      At her next interview with Ally, Jean told her that there were certain things she would prefer to discuss with her at home. She could tell her parents that Jean was to give her extra lessons. In a sense that was true, but they were to be very special extra lessons. Her parents of course agreed, but Jean did not tell them that Ally would have some, and at any rate the first, of these extra lessons at my house instead of hers. We told Ally she then could use my swimming pool there, which she found a very nice idea.
        
    • by lolitot :...
    • It's Mr. Deacon's Thanksgiving Day!
      thanksg zip (9k) (g/g/F/M)
      Mommy had Mr. Deacon over for Thanksgiving dinner! An' we learned all about what'ta do when guys wanna watch football! Mommy even showed us how'ta get Mr. Deacon's attention, you know? While he was watchin' the games? An' she really helped! Lots! You just gotta see this!
        
    • by Rick Roll :...
    • The Rape of Her Daughters
      therape zip (13k) (M/F/f/f - rape/incest/oral/noncons/rough)
      When a man spies an attractive woman and her two daughters his love for young flesh erupts. He follows them and ends up attacking them in her house. He forces the mother to watch as he fucks both young girls, then he uses the mother to clean him and get the next daughter ready for him. Written with the help and advice of HotKaryn - check out her stories.
        
    • by AnaLover :...
    • Walking the Dog
      walkdog zip (7k) (M/F/dog)
      "...When she was about two-thirds of the way down my prick I could sense she wanted to pull back but I wouldnt let her. Suck it, Mommy, I said, pulling a little harder on the lead attached to the dog collar around her neck."
        
    • by Jaz1701 :...
    • Son, Your Mom Needs Lovin Too
      sonmom zip (20k) (F/m incest)
      I like to think that I am a normal woman. I mean I love, I cry, I have needs and desires. I don't know if I can explain the events of the last 2 days, I dont know if it makes any difference that I am sorry for what happened. I know that things got out of hand. I never intended to make my son rape me. I can see now that this was wrong. I should have been more mature, I should have controlled my lust. I accept that I have made mistakes. All I ask is that John be a man... and admit that he is at least partially responsible for what happened.
        
    • by RiverRat :...
    • The Gift
      thegift zip (11k) (M/F+f+ NC MC)
      What would happen if someone could control the actions of others?
        

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  • the~Tennessee~Stud~was~long~'n~lean~~~the~color~of~the~sun~and~his~eyes~were~green


    i rode right back across't Arkansas
    i whipped her brother and i whipped her pa
    i found that girl with the golden hair
    'n she was ridin' on a Tennessee Mare

    pretty little baby on the cabin floor
    her little hoss colt playing aroun' the door
    i love the girl with the golden hair
    'n the Tennessee Stud loves the Tennessee Mare




    he~had~the~nerve~'n~he~had~the~blood~~~there~never~was~a~horse~like~the~Tennessee~Stud




    Tennessee Stud, as written by Jimmy Driftwood and performed by Johnny Cash

    (this CD & sound sample from "American Recordings", available at amazon.com)


    How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
    Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
    
    What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
    "How come?"
    
    What's the definition of a teenager?
    God's punishment for enjoying sex.
    
    Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
    They'll never see you coming.
    
    What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
    S&M&M.
    
    What do Kodak film and condoms have in common?
    Both capture the moment.
    
    Define Transvestite:
    A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
    
    Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
    The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
    
    What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
    A scrotum pole!
    
    What's the ultimate in rejection?
    When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
    
    Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
    There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
    
    What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
    Two Mennonite!
    
    Why is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
    
    Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
    Is it in?
    
    What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A bingo machine.
    
    What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
    One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
    
    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One ... Men will screw anything.
    
    ----------
    
    THE MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR
    
    Cover charge: $15.00
    Round of drinks: $23.00
    Table dance: $30.00
    Another round of drinks: $23.00
    Couch dance and tips: $50.00
    A round of shots: $34.00
    Another round of drinks: $23.00
    Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
    Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
    Sending her on her way and never having
    to listen to her bitch...............Priceless
    
    ----------
    
    Wife: Oh, come on.
    Husband: Leave me alone!
    Wife: It won't take long.
    Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
    Wife: I can't sleep without it.
    Husband: Why do you think of things like this in
    the middle of the night?
    Wife: Because I'm Hot.
    Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
    Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
    Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
    Wife: You don't love me anymore.
    Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
    Wife: (Sob-Sob)
    Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
    Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
    Husband: I can't find it.
    Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
    Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
    Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
    Husband: Is it up far enough?
    Wife: Oh, that's fine.
    Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want
    the window open, do it yourself.
    
    ----------
    
    The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
    house.  She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her
    daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
    
    "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
    
    "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter in law
    replied.
    
    "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.
    
    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
    
    "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law.
    
    "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he
    makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law.  "I would appreciate your
    leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the
    daughter-in-law continued.
    
    Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left.  On the way
    home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.  She undressed,
    showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband
    to come home.  Finally the pickup truck drove up the driveway and she took
    her place by the door.
    
    The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the
    door.  "What are you doing?" he asked.
    
    "This is my LOVE DRESS," said the mother-in-law.
    
    "Maybe you should iron it." he replied.
    
    ----------
    
    If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed ... Oh wait, he
    does.
    
    ----------
    
    








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